Behind the Mask
Have you ever been so afraid of something that your natural instinct is to run as fast as you possibly can in the other direction? Once your life becomes centered around running the fear starts to define you. It is in every thought, and every feeling you have. You become so equipped to the mask you wear, as you try to save yourself from your greatest fear -- along with saving others from the effects. Running becomes who you are and everything that you do.Yet the struggle to hide from that fear becomes more intense as the days go on. The mask that you have painted on so perfectly begins to fade.
Some may say that the mask you paint on everyday is proof that you're fake; thus throwing genuine out the door without a second thought. When in reality that "mask" is showing who you really are and who you really want to be, but it is just trying hiding all of the flaws and imperfections as well as amplify the good.
For me personally, the reason I put the mask on everyday is because when people start to see the flaws behind the mask that is when disappointment comes. It seems like that is when they realize I am not someone they want to have in their lives. I am never smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, spiritual enough, funny enough -- enough of anything. I become almost like dead weight holding them back from living their fullest lives.
The fear that I have spent my whole life running from is the fear of relationships. The fear of anyone, friends, family, associates, coworkers, or anyone else seeing my scars. The scars I have spent years trying to cover up. I can wear the mask day in and day out, but when someone decides they like the person with the mask and want to know more than the surface level everyone sees, that is the moment I run. To say I have a talent of pushing people away would be the understatement of the year. But, I don't do it because I don't care for them or want a deeper relationship with them. I do it because I have witnessed over and over again, the second that they see the scars I am no longer enough. I don't want to let them down and I don't want to be hurt in the long run. Which in my mind concludes that the only safe thing to do is to run. In turn not allowing anyone to see past the mask.
It's funny because those that know me slightly would never guess that I am someone more terrified of relationships than anything else. I've perfected the mask and learned what I have to do to be someone people enjoy but not enough for them to want to see more. The second someone does want to see more, the running begins again.
Over the years, I have come to realize that there is one that I know I can trust. My Savior, Jesus Christ has seen my scars. He has seen my imperfections and weaknesses and yet when He looks at me He sees who I can become. I am not labeled by the scars. He will always be there for me even when I make a mistake or my fear kicks in and I start to push others away. He knows EXACTLY what I am feeling and waits with arms outstretched for me to make the decision to come home.
I used to think that when the Savior suffered for me in the Garden of Gethsemane He thought, "phew, her trials are no where near what the last guy went through. This suffering will be a walk in the park." Frankly, I wanted it to be that way. I knew that He suffered for me and thus He did have to go through pain, but I wanted my pain to be minimal. I wanted to be the "easy child". But then when I went through something hard I would think to myself, "Kels, it's not that bad. There are so many people that have been through worse. You don't have the right to think that this is hard. Suck it up and keep going."
I recently realized how wrong that thinking was. When He suffered for me He suffered as I suffer. He not only saw the mask, and behind the mask. He wore the mask and wore the scars. The surface level scars as well as the deep scars. He, Even though He was perfect, felt my pain and struggles and depression at the magnitude that I feel them.
As I have come to know my Savior a little bit more I have realized that He does not say, "You're struggles aren't enough." Rather He pleads with me, knowing full well my fears and wounds, to come unto Him because through Him I can be even as He is (3 Nephi 12:48). Regardless of the scars.
Some may say that the mask you paint on everyday is proof that you're fake; thus throwing genuine out the door without a second thought. When in reality that "mask" is showing who you really are and who you really want to be, but it is just trying hiding all of the flaws and imperfections as well as amplify the good.
For me personally, the reason I put the mask on everyday is because when people start to see the flaws behind the mask that is when disappointment comes. It seems like that is when they realize I am not someone they want to have in their lives. I am never smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, spiritual enough, funny enough -- enough of anything. I become almost like dead weight holding them back from living their fullest lives.
The fear that I have spent my whole life running from is the fear of relationships. The fear of anyone, friends, family, associates, coworkers, or anyone else seeing my scars. The scars I have spent years trying to cover up. I can wear the mask day in and day out, but when someone decides they like the person with the mask and want to know more than the surface level everyone sees, that is the moment I run. To say I have a talent of pushing people away would be the understatement of the year. But, I don't do it because I don't care for them or want a deeper relationship with them. I do it because I have witnessed over and over again, the second that they see the scars I am no longer enough. I don't want to let them down and I don't want to be hurt in the long run. Which in my mind concludes that the only safe thing to do is to run. In turn not allowing anyone to see past the mask.
It's funny because those that know me slightly would never guess that I am someone more terrified of relationships than anything else. I've perfected the mask and learned what I have to do to be someone people enjoy but not enough for them to want to see more. The second someone does want to see more, the running begins again.
Over the years, I have come to realize that there is one that I know I can trust. My Savior, Jesus Christ has seen my scars. He has seen my imperfections and weaknesses and yet when He looks at me He sees who I can become. I am not labeled by the scars. He will always be there for me even when I make a mistake or my fear kicks in and I start to push others away. He knows EXACTLY what I am feeling and waits with arms outstretched for me to make the decision to come home.
I used to think that when the Savior suffered for me in the Garden of Gethsemane He thought, "phew, her trials are no where near what the last guy went through. This suffering will be a walk in the park." Frankly, I wanted it to be that way. I knew that He suffered for me and thus He did have to go through pain, but I wanted my pain to be minimal. I wanted to be the "easy child". But then when I went through something hard I would think to myself, "Kels, it's not that bad. There are so many people that have been through worse. You don't have the right to think that this is hard. Suck it up and keep going."
I recently realized how wrong that thinking was. When He suffered for me He suffered as I suffer. He not only saw the mask, and behind the mask. He wore the mask and wore the scars. The surface level scars as well as the deep scars. He, Even though He was perfect, felt my pain and struggles and depression at the magnitude that I feel them.
As I have come to know my Savior a little bit more I have realized that He does not say, "You're struggles aren't enough." Rather He pleads with me, knowing full well my fears and wounds, to come unto Him because through Him I can be even as He is (3 Nephi 12:48). Regardless of the scars.
Comments
Post a Comment